I’ve never been one to make, let alone keep, New Year’s resolutions. I find that in most cases I simply lack the discipline necessary for such endeavors. In addition, there aren’t really any resolutions I would want to make. One year seems to come as another leaves in basically the same fashion year after year. I don’t view the coming of a new year as a chance to start over with a clean slate; how could I since that would mean erasing or forgetting about the events of the past year, some of which are doubtless very good. Likewise, I am ideologically opposed to the notion of closure since closure is nothing more than a pseudo-psychological device that helps us cope by setting up a false barrier that separates one thing from another. No, I don’t believe in closure, but I do believe that we move on in much the same way as we always do. Without intending to sound too “new age,” life is really an ever-moving stream in which we find ourselves. People and events come and go year after year.

I have attempted to make some resolutions when it comes to beginning a new year in the past. I have attempted to drink a little less, exercise a little more, save a bit more money, be nicer to people who try my patience, which is just about everyone on the planet. Each time I fail miserably and end up feeling badly about myself, and who needs that? Well, this year I would like to suggest something different. Let’s vow to be worse, more unpleasant, and more selfish than last year. In other words, let’s try to be more American.

This year let’s all make a conscious effort to stick to resolutions we can keep. My New Year’s resolutions will include apologizing less. This year I resolve to live the life that I cannot seem to avoid. Instead of attempting to be a better person I resolve to be myself. By making this resolution I acknowledge the fact that I may be putting myself at risk for offending a lot of people, but so what? Is it really my fault if people are offended by some of the things I say in public? Perhaps they are the ones with the problem. After all, it really is impossible to make everyone happy, so why should we even try? For example, I refuse to try to understand conservative ideology that is inherently racist and favors an unfair system that privileges the super rich over every other being on the planet. I will also refuse to excuse people who read bad books. I will judge, publically mind you, people by the books they read. If one more person tells me that I should read The Fault in Our Stars I will cut that person out of my life forever. Moreover, if you think Bill O’Reilly is a serious journalist or author, I will have no time for you. Life is just too short to deal with people who read bad books, or worse, who do not read at all, which would actually be better than reading anything by O’Reilly.

I also plan on giving less to charities. If one more spokesperson from the State Troopers or local police call me, people who usually speak in what I can only describe as one level above a 7th grade education, I will rip the phone out of my wall. I vow to continue my war against American politics. I vow to continue to vocalize my disdain for an outdated constitution. So please, stop telling us that certain politicians are breaking the constitution, especially because you don’t understand the document yourself. Although I really like the new pope, who is not really new anymore, I vow to be even more anti-Catholic this year. Well, actually, I vow to be even more anti-Christian, Moslem, Hindu, Jew (as in the religion not the people—let’s be clear here!) and any other creed that claims to worship a non-existent god.

In short, I refuse to resolve to try to be a better person, it’s just not who I am. And if you were honest you would see that you are not either.


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